what the fuck — why the fuck — is Bones

If you grew up loose on the 2010’s internet, like I did, you might remember Hulu sometimes put shows up to watch for free. We didn’t have cable, so I devoured this content religiously. Bones, Castle, Rizolli and Isles–I had no benchmark for quality, just an unquenchable desire to finally be a part of pop culture as a whole. After years of only catching snippets of Spongebob at the dentist or doctor, I could finally relate to my peers. Maybe? Kind of?

OK, so maybe none of my friends were watching Bones. But I LOVED it. Especially as a young horror fan, the gross, gruesome aspect captivated me particularly. I loved the creative problem solving by the crew to unravel details from corpses so mangled they were unrecognizable as human.

I’ve had a lot of unexpected down time thanks to the WGA/SAG strike (TAG STANDS IN SOLIDARITY!!! get those rights so we can reference your contracts later!!) and was like, what the hell, why not revisit a childhood classic.

It’s… it’s garbage. It’s flaming hot garbage. The character writing is nonexistant, the plots are threadbare at best, and mysteries are often not even fully resolved in favor of ending the episode on a cute character moment. The show wants for there to be chemistry between the two leads SO BAD that they’re forcing it down your throat every episode by talking about how perfect they are together but they’re barely even characters. Characters’ attitudes and beliefs change based on what’s convenient for the episode, or funny for a joke. There’s absolutely 0 consistency.

So color me shocked when the show has FUCKING CRAZY HIGH RATINGS ON IMDB!!!! I know IMDB is kind of a joke but… REALLY!? like we’re talking 7.6/10 for the most annoying 45 minutes of TV you’ve ever seen in your life. And this is in season 9. And people seem to *REALLY* like it. I went to check out the subreddit because I felt like I was going insane and was greeted by posts talking about how much they like the 2 main characters together, how much they liked episodes i had hated, and–most annoyingly–“Has anyone noticed that sometimes the show doesn’t feel like it matters what character says what?” Yes, Brenda, that’s the whole thing. I couldn’t even start to describe to you specific ways the show bastardizes its characters because there ARE NO CHARACTERS TO BEGIN WITH. how can you bastardize something that doesnt exist?

And maybe I’m a little picky about TV. I have very little patience for drama shows in general, but I can still tell the difference between a good show that’s just not for me and a show that sucks butt. I watched other shows like Greys Anatomy growing up, hated the characters, but could appreciate what it was. Even when I watch 9-11 I can appreciate what they’re going for, even though i usually skip over the character moments and just watch the insane setpieces. Bones just has none of that. The dialogue is uninspired and unspecific, the jokes are incredibly dated (and often pretty mean-spirited), and the mysteries are lackluster–serving just as a backdrop for what’s, i think, supposed to be a great character-based dramedy.

It’s just *SO BAD*, and I feel so out of the loop. I’m not confused about what has changed in me that makes me hate it now–I was a tiny baby when i first watched it. It was my first exposure to any kind of procedural crime drama, and i really liked all the cool gore and body horror. I AM confused about how no one else seems to think it sucks. Like. help me. Am i watching a different show? someone please tell me where to find the good Bones because I’m really struggling here.